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Falling.

Summer is officially over...and I'm not one bit sad to say that.
My life, similar to the weather, is in a constant state of change.
Recently, however, I seem to be stuck in a bit of a rut.
Overwhelmed is my current state of being. Life in general is just a lot to handle.
I feel very alone at this time, which is odd because I am very rarely alone. I feel like I have too much on my plate, and yet no one knows it.
I've always had this ridiculous sense of pride, which I believe I inherited from my father, so admitting that I feel overwhelmed is very much out of character for me.
I've never been one to ask for help. And I'm rarely one to accept it.
I'm also feeling a lot of regret.
No one really knows what I've been through this year, but I regret that I never knew. As put so perfectly by The Fray, I never knew that everything was falling through.
Not a day goes by that I don't think about what I've been through, and not a day goes by that I don't wish I could forgive...or just forget. I'm in a never ending struggle between heart and mind. Neither can overpower the other so I'm stuck here. A continuous battle.
There is one thing in life that I am extremely thankful for, and that is my beautiful son. My world. My true love. He will never know this, but he saved me.
There is nothing I'd rather wake up to every morning than his smile. With every giggle, every grin, he fills me from head to toe with nothing but love. And for this I am grateful.

Awake My Soul.

So I've been through way too much the past three months.
My life has taken a complete turn.
Becoming a mother, as cheesy as it sounds, was the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I now serve a purpose.
My son is the most amazing person I have ever laid eyes on. Just sitting here thinking about him brings tears to my eyes. He's amazing.
My life is certainly far from what I expected it to be...but that's ok. I have Cael, and he is the one solid thing in my life. He's the one person I know who will always be there for me. He's always waiting for me when I get home, always happy to see me, and loves me unconditionally.
I always said I never wanted kids, and now I know how naive that was of me. Family is life. And I couldn't be more thankful for the little boy who made me realize this.

.I hate the world today.

So today,
I have a lot to say.
I have a lot on my mind.
None of which I think would be appropriate to post on a blog.
None of which I think anyone would be happy to read.
So instead,
I'm writing this...


Today, I have a lot to say.


And I think that's all I'll say.

Baby Showers...

Oh where to begin....Baby Showers.
Wow. That's the best word I can come up with to describe Baby Showers, haha. So far, in planning my baby shower, I've become just stumped with the whole idea. Whoever got everyone to jump on the band wagon of baby showers was pretty persuasive. The idea of expecting people to buy me things, all because I'm having a baby....its just weird. Half of these people didn't even get me a birthday, or Christmas present, yet they're going to get me something for getting knocked up? ha. Like I said, weird.
I'm planning my own shower because, quite frankly, I'd just rather do it myself. I don't want to play any stupid games, or be uncomfortable with the people in attendance. But in the end, we will play games....ugh. Simply because I feel like everyone will be expecting to. I am not, repeat, am not, looking forward to the games, or the awkwardness while opening gifts, or the awkward introductions...Don't get me wrong, I will be very thankful for all the gifts I receive, as I do need all the help I can get, but the shower is like a detour I've got to take to get to the other side...And it's requiring way more effort than I expected.

.Cael.

Well I had another doctor appointment last Tuesday, seems everything is going good. Passed my gestational diabetes test with ease, I am slightly anemic though, which just means I have to take an Iron supplement, so no big deal.
I've only gained 13.5 lbs to date, 4 of which is Cael!! He's getting to be a little chunk! He should, by textbook, only weigh about 3.3 lbs, and he weighs a good 4! My doctor is estimating, if I make it to full term, he will weigh around 9lbs when he is born....Ah!!!
Oh well, I guess as long as he is healthy I shouldn't complain! :) And I do have to admit, the more fat he gets on his body the cuter he gets!
I will now be going to the doctor every 2 weeks, until I reach 36 weeks, then I will have to go once a week, assuming all continues to go as smoothly as it has been.
I will also have one more ultrasound to check my fibroid , just to make sure it won't interfere with birth, but as of now it has not grown nearly at all, so I'm not too concerned.

.White Horse.

So today, is one of those days...where I've just sat back and thought about things. This is how I feel now, in this moment. It may change within minutes of posting this blog, or maybe tomorrow, or who knows, it might not ever change.

So many dreams of mine, are just dreams. I have come to realize that my life will only be what I work to make it. It will only be what I allow it to be. And I feel as though many of my decisions have set out this pre-determined life for me. And I have no one to blame, but me. I've surely said this before, but I feel like I am sitting here, in this little glass box, watching the world whiz by me...while I'm here, sitting, waiting...for what?
Lately, I've had this realization, that ultimately, I can only depend on myself...and that scares me. My entire life, I've had this idea that I'll always be able to rely on my family, someone will always be there to pick me up, brush off my knees, and encourage me to continue. I thought there would always be someone to save me. I am the only one who can save me. Me. The one person I have never had to rely on anything for, and now, it's all I have. Me.
Where did I go wrong? Or is this how its supposed to be? Does everyone go through this?
I fear, that one day, anyone who I may have relied on for support; emotional, physical, financial, whatever...will be gone. And then what. I don't know.
There is this lingering panic that I can't do it. I've never had to do it.
I try to picture myself, 5, maybe 10 years from now...but I can't. Where I will be, what I will be doing...am I happy? I don't know. I don't know what I will do, or who I will become when its all up to me. Just me. How do you go on when life as you have known it since the day you were born is no longer the same? Just the thought horrifies me.
I wish I could pause time, for everyone, and everything, and just be...be here, be now, be how I am, be me. Because I fear, that in all of this, I will be lost. Me, will go. Go somewhere, not here, not now. And I will be...just a being, lost in translation.
I'm in over my head. Drowning in the life around me, and I need help getting out. But I feel like I'm reaching for the hand that is no longer there.