So many dreams of mine, are just dreams. I have come to realize that my life will only be what I work to make it. It will only be what I allow it to be. And I feel as though many of my decisions have set out this pre-determined life for me. And I have no one to blame, but me. I've surely said this before, but I feel like I am sitting here, in this little glass box, watching the world whiz by me...while I'm here, sitting, waiting...for what?
Lately, I've had this realization, that ultimately, I can only depend on myself...and that scares me. My entire life, I've had this idea that I'll always be able to rely on my family, someone will always be there to pick me up, brush off my knees, and encourage me to continue. I thought there would always be someone to save me. I am the only one who can save me. Me. The one person I have never had to rely on anything for, and now, it's all I have. Me.
Where did I go wrong? Or is this how its supposed to be? Does everyone go through this?
I fear, that one day, anyone who I may have relied on for support; emotional, physical, financial, whatever...will be gone. And then what. I don't know.
There is this lingering panic that I can't do it. I've never had to do it.
I try to picture myself, 5, maybe 10 years from now...but I can't. Where I will be, what I will be doing...am I happy? I don't know. I don't know what I will do, or who I will become when its all up to me. Just me. How do you go on when life as you have known it since the day you were born is no longer the same? Just the thought horrifies me.
I wish I could pause time, for everyone, and everything, and just be...be here, be now, be how I am, be me. Because I fear, that in all of this, I will be lost. Me, will go. Go somewhere, not here, not now. And I will be...just a being, lost in translation.
I'm in over my head. Drowning in the life around me, and I need help getting out. But I feel like I'm reaching for the hand that is no longer there.
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