Yesterday, on my way to work, I made a discovery... something that I've done for the past year, but yet, has not benefited me in any way. I pretend to care. Everyday, I pretend to be interested in people's lives, or people's problems, and until yesterday, I thought I did care, but now I know, I just pretend to care. Everyday at work, people spill their guts to me...about everything. Their husband got a new job, their wife is pregnant, they get to go on vacation....I just don't give a shit.
There are some people in my life that I do care about, don't get me wrong, but its those people that I don't even know. I make their coffee, see them at the auto shop, say "hi" to them in a restaurant. I just don't care. Yet, for some reason, I pretend to. Do they expect me to? Do I just feel like its the polite thing to do?
I have a good friend who is also is pregnant, and she told me last week that she has just reached the point where she doesn't care about anything. I feel like I've reached this point as well. Maybe its just hormones? I don't know. I just feel like...I've got my own shit to worry about, why do I need to concern myself with other people's problems? I'm really just feeling like I have enough to worry about with my own life, as well the people I love.
I wish I could say I'm just going to stop pretending...but at this point, I don't think that's an option. I'm in a rut. I make complete strangers think I care about their problems for a living. While making them a coffee. Why can't I just make them a freaking coffee and send them on their way? Ugh.
I always used to consider myself a "people person", funny I know. I'm a faker! I hate people! I'm just good at pretending to like them. At some time, soon, I need to stop this pretending. I'm lying to everyone. I put a smile on my face like I'm happy to see them, like they're somehow brightening my day, yet, five minutes later I'm back to how I was five minutes before I saw them.
I care about my family and friends, and acquaintances. But not complete strangers. I don't know these people, why would I care?
Call me cruel, horrible, a bad person, what have you. But like I said, I really just don't care.
And today...well it's just going to be one of those days.
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